The “Last Times” And Gratitude – To My Mother

During the mother-son dance at my wedding, my mother had an intense look of sadness in her eyes. She had choreographed the waltz herself, and we had practiced for months leading up to the wedding. But as we danced, she was missing steps, so I could tell her mind wasn’t all there.

I knew it was natural for her to be sad for obvious reasons (son growing up, moving out, etc), but at the time, my relationship with her was strained, so my cold heart didn’t feel much for her. It wasn’t until years later that I realized what that moment probably meant to her.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about “last times.” A quick Google search reveals that plenty of other bloggers have written about this topic. There’s apparently a “Last Time Theory,” although the word “theory” suggests a degree of uncertainty, whereas I see last times as an inevitability. I believe that without even needing to be told, everyone eventually comes to a point where they recognize the realities of “last times” – at the latest on their deathbed or at a loved one’s, but hopefully much sooner.

I’m at a point in my life where I am still experiencing more “first times” than “last times,” but I know there will come a day when that flips. I think the first time I started thinking deeply about “last times” was when I watched this video. It struck me hard because I was in a particularly lonely season of life where many of my close friends had moved away.

Friends are a lot more fluid than my younger self would have liked to believe. It never occurred to me that this could be the last time I saw someone, either because their career took them away or simply because the friendship faded. I’m not saying for sure it is the last time, but that’s the thing – we never know when the last time will be. Recognizing this, I’ve come to see my relationships as even more precious because the time we have is limited.

Recognizing the “last times,” I’ve come to see my relationships as even more precious because the time we have is limited.

The purpose of this post is not to share anything innovative, but rather to reflect on “last times” in my life, with its associated joys and regrets. I will focus on sharing the story about my mother, but this serves as an example for how I’ve begun to view all areas of my life.

Just One Last Time

I recently saw a video of a mother recording an interaction she had with her 13-year-old son, who was about a head shorter than her. She told him about the last time she held him as a baby and didn’t realize it would be the last time until it was too late. She asked if she could hold him one more “last time” because she didn’t treasure the other times. At first, it was a little awkward as she held her son, who was nearly her size and looked uncomfortable. But she knew that, as awkward as the moment would be, she would regret not asking for this. 

Now that I have my own child, I feel this moment that this mother shared with her son. Recently, I had a childhood friend whose mother passed away. He held a virtual memorial for her and shared a few of her favorite pieces of advice. One of them was “whenever a child asks you to pick them up, never say no. One day, they will stop asking.”

Whenever a child asks you to pick them up, never say no because there will come a day when they stop asking.

Following my paternity leave and going back to work, it’s only natural that other coworkers would ask me about my baby. My responses were a mix of “It’s going…” and “I feel tired every second of the day.” Every time, my coworkers would say, “Aww make sure to soak up every second of it.” Those responses totally did not match the vibe I was giving off. But I look back and now get why all my coworkers said this. They were speaking as parents who have had many last experiences with their children.

I Wish I Appreciated It More

I think I understand the look in my mother’s eyes now. She never fails to share with people about the day I could no longer run under the dining table without bumping my head into it. And I’m sure she never fails to remember the last time she held me as her baby. This dance symbolized another major “last time” for her, and she probably wondered if she had poured enough love into me.

I look back on that dance and wish I had appreciated it more. I didn’t recognize the moment for what it was. Since that dance, my mom has received surgery on both her feet and can no longer dance the way she once did. I miss seeing her doing what she loved. I was the last person she ever danced with on her healthy feet.

There was a lingering resentment in my heart towards her, but all for what? We had disagreements on my career choices, and she could have been more supportive, but I didn’t have to hold it against her for as long as I did. No parent is perfect, and I hope my kids can forgive me for the mistakes I will make in the future. Having a child has made me appreciate my parents more than ever. Knowing they made the same sacrifices for me as I do for my baby (and perhaps even more), all the while learning English, has made any lasting resentment in my heart disappear.

It’s Not Too Late

I’m happy I realize all this now. As of writing this, my parents are both still alive. The time I have with them is even more limited than when I was still living under their roof. It’s not too late for me, and I don’t have to go through my “last time” with them yet. The bible commands us to “honor our father and mother,” and I have fallen way short of what my parents deserve. 

We don’t need much in life. We spend so much of it chasing things. But when it comes down to it, spending time with loved ones and storing up those moments in our hearts is the most valuable. My parents don’t ask me for much. They don’t even ask for the one thing they want from me. But I know when I give it to them, by spending even a few minutes with them, it means the world.

This Thanksgiving, I ask anyone who reads this to share your gratitude with those dear to you. I know this post was on the sadder side, but it is meant to encourage everyone not to take the people in your lives for granted. We tend not to regret the things we did do, but rather the things we didn’t, so let’s not miss our chance to show gratitude.

I’ll share this post with my mom eventually. 

But if I haven’t told you in person yet, I’d like you to know that you have poured enough love into me. I am the best that I can be because you were the best mother you could possibly be.

Thank you for loving Caden the way you loved me, and I hope to be half the parent you were. I love you, and I look forward to trying all the new restaurants with you.