Is Parenting Fun?

Yes and no.

My firstborn toddler likes to “play” pickleball. He’ll randomly say “Da Qiu (play ball in Chinese),” which is my signal to get out the paddles. He’ll stand about 1 meter away from me as I sit on the floor, and we’ll spend upwards of 30 minutes of me hitting the ball to him and him trying to hit the ball back to me. All things considered, he’s quite good at timing his hits, although I’m basically aiming the ball at his paddle, so all he needs to do is swing.

My enthusiasm for this lasts about 5 minutes before my mind goes a little blank and my arms go on autopilot.

I’ll be honest, it’s hard to find these moments with my kid as “fun,” especially compared to me playing some real pickleball on a court with someone of my skill level. The most exhilarating part is challenging my reflexes to catch the ball my kid hits back at varying angles and speeds.

This makes having kids a hard sell. Most people know that their free time decreases with each kid they have. That’s a primary hesitation because free time is hard to give up, as your hobbies get replaced with your child’s hobbies, whatever they might be (mine include riding escalators, “pickleball”, and reading ABCs).

I’m not saying that parenting isn’t fun, because it has its moments. I am writing this in a season when my kids are still very young (1 month old and 2.5 years old), and my hobbies will return as they grow and become more independent. Hopefully, they might even pick up my hobbies (weekday board game nights!?).

The problem comes when I compare these mundane, amateur activities to my own. They don’t give the same type of thrill I might expect from fun activities. If this doesn’t sound appealing, I’d reconsider parenting. But I think there’s something deeper you’d be missing out on. 

The Two Types of Fun

Fun takes on a different form once you become a parent. There is a fun that comes from dopamine, and another that comes from responsibility.

Our first reaction isn’t to think of responsibility as fun, because it sounds like dishes and vacuuming. But these aren’t the types of responsibilities that I’m referring to. I believe that there are two kinds: Natural responsibilities and bestowed responsibilities. 

Dishes fall under natural (things we need to take care of as functioning adults), and these tend to be more boring. Carrying out a mission given by your commander is bestowed, and these are the fun ones. Rearing kids falls under both, which is why it can be boring at times, but when done to the best of your ability, it is incredibly fulfilling.

I’ve found that without bestowed responsibility, life is reduced to just carrying out natural responsibilities. I end up “living for the weekend,” where life revolves around maximizing fun from Friday to Sunday. And there has never been a weekend, no matter how exciting, that has left me satisfied. Whenever anyone asks me how my weekend or break was, I always answer “Not long enough.”

Bestowed Responsibility In Cinema

Bestowed responsibilities show up in a lot of movies. Saving Private Ryan is about a group of soldiers willingly giving up their lives to save just one. Spider-Man is famous for Uncle Ben’s line, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Interstellar is about saving humanity and family.

These movies resonate with us because they display a selflessness that almost appears foolish. All these characters have little to gain and very much to lose. They are motivated by something outside themselves, and we see how it has an impact that extends beyond their existence. We love seeing acts of selflessness because they show us that humanity is more than just our carnal instincts, and a part of us wishes we were those characters. That part is inescapable, and the reason why most people can’t help but want to raise children, and why, despite the difficulties, they find so much joy in it.

Where Bestowed Responsibility Comes From

I believe that part of us wanting to carry out bestowed responsibility is not an accident. It’s how God designed humanity. And He is the one who bestows these responsibilities.

We each have responsibilities unique to us (I should be the best darn teacher I can be), but there are also universal ones, such as caring and nurturing. If we end up not having our own children, many will often channel that energy into caring and nurturing others.

Because my children are still young, I haven’t yet had the privilege of seeing how they’ll turn out and of experiencing parental fulfillment. But as a teacher, I can live vicariously through other parents. Every year, when I see students walk across the graduation stage to receive their diplomas, I can’t help but look at the family members cheering for them. It wasn’t easy getting them there, and it all started with the mundane activities they enjoyed as toddlers.

Is Parenting Fun?

Is parenting fun? Not always. But it offers something better. When I’m playing pickleball with my son, there are a number of other things I could be doing, and quite frankly, that I find more fun. It’s not the thrill that I’m after. Instead, I find contentment. Because I know that, as big as the world is, and despite all the experiences I could be having, I am right where I need to be. In our living room, in our underwear, playing pickleball.